My life is just as crazy as it was before. Maybe even crazier. Although I am happier this time around. Ecstatic even. But you can probably tell from my tweets that sometimes I sound so stressed that I am just about ready to resign from life. In general, I may seem like a totally in control kinda girl (control freak?), when in fact, I'm just as messed up as most people trying to look for the definition of life. Heck, I still have a hard time cleaning my own room!
I am insecure. I am vain. I am materialistic. I am broke. I am fresh out of ideas. I am pathetic. But aren't most people? C'mon, nobody's perfect. We all struggle in this life... unless you're a saint. But saints even have their fair share of hardships.
I always believed in living one day at a time. I'm not sure I even have a future planned. I like living the good (simple) life, not affluent but privileged. And ultimately, ending up with Mr. Right. Sounds like something straight out of a book? Well, that's how I'd like it to be. And apparently, anyone can attest that if I want something, I will get it. However, I do know now how to take a graceful exit and/or accept defeat. Yup! It wasn't easy for me to do at the beginning but hey, I'm a fast learner.
So what's bothering me really is the fact that sometimes I feel... ummm, what's the word? INADEQUATE? I am far from perfect and I do not even intend to be. What I'd like really is not even to rest or to sleep. I'm not a big fan of sleeping. I just want to clear my mind from all that has been happening. I guess I need a vacation... but clearly, I can't afford one right now. So I'll have to make do of what I have... and thank goodness, I've become quite adept at that. I do not complain much anymore but I still do not settle for anything less. So if you tell me to eat something and I don't like it, I won't demand for something else that pleases my palate, but rather I just won't eat. Simple. No worries. I'm probably the most stubborn person in the world and the most persevering as well. It's conflicting but that's just me. I can make things happen or I can just completely (try to) stop things from happening.
Now the issue of people telling me what's good and right for me. Believe me, when you live in a small town, your business is everybody's business. You just farted and people are already saying how you shit your pants. WTF! Your Facebook status will define who you are as a person. Ugh. FML! There's no escaping it. But who cares? I DON'T. But obviously, up until now, people do. How do I emphasize this for the gazillionth time? I WILL DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY. I appreciate all the concern and your unsolicited advice but do you honestly think I'd listen? No, of course, you don't even think that. So why try? Because you are truly concerned noh, and you think I'd be better off doing things that people want me to. But this is what I choose and it's not like I blame anyone if things go wrong. Yes, I may be selfish but I do not point fingers at anyone. I'm glad that I'm not like some people who think they know everything and are so sure that they do not make mistakes. Well, I make mistakes. I make tons of mistakes... but through these mistakes, I become stronger. You know what they say... what does not kill you, makes you stronger, eh? True indeed. I skin my knees, I get my heart broken, I keep wishing I'd win the lottery, I get utterly frustrated that I could just cry myself to sleep or burst in fits of rage, but seriously... I am no criminal and I love it because it makes me feel alive. I like pain, that's why I have tattoos... and why is that a bad thing? We all believe in something... and I believe I can do whatever I want as long as I'm not stepping on someone else's toes.
I love my life, first of all. And I do not intend to waste it, even if I do not know the meaning of my life just yet. But if people are not happy with what I do, well, maybe they should just leave me alone. It's practically hopeless trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Does that make sense!? I hope so because I am so sick and tired of living up to anyone's expectations. I will be better, IF i want to be better. You cannot make me better just as I can't convince anyone of anything. We got free will, don't we? Let's just follow the Golden Rule and that's that.
I will continue to be generous, not to the point where I will be abused. I have been there. I will play the part... just because I have to take a role at some point. I will bend, but I will not break especially just because people disapprove of me. Come on, you think after all these years I'd gone soft? Nope. I will be rock hard. And I will rock harder. I am what I am and I will only submit to people who understand me.
Do not get me wrong. I am not angry.
I am just saying. :)
PS. WOW! Sun is up! I'll go get some shut eye now and dream of an iPhone 4. Who knows what dreams may come true. ^_^ There is always light at the end of the tunnel.
